“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
You Might Also Like
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Well well well…
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
dutch so unserious
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.