Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
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I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.