Raisins are grape jerky.
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Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one