Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
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I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind