*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Confused owl: What?!
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don鈥檛 even know who I鈥檓 talking about huh
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Pretty sure my day can鈥檛 get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I鈥檓 not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that鈥檚 good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife鈥檚 leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 馃檨
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 馃檪
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
This year I鈥檓 gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It鈥檚 good to have goals.