Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
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i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.