2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
yeet
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!