When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
You Might Also Like
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
This guy’s not having it 😆
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.