Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You Might Also Like
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Become a minion. Get that bread.