I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
new record!
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…