I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
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him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.