Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Sheep
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.