Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
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boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The Compass
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.