I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
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Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Holy moly
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.