*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Lmao
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do