It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold