Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
i smell a pulitzer
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?