I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.