I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
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So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word