Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
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This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.