#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Nomnomnomnom
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!