Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.