I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.