Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber