Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
You Might Also Like
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Try and stop me.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.