Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
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I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Life cycle of cat
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules