And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor