Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
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She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Why am I like this?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.