I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
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“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Fiction has to make sense.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“what that mouth do?” complain
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.