Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks