*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.