<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
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On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament