‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.