“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
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I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.