Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me sliding into hell like
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
😂💯
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!