Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My blood type is b hungry.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille