Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
cry laughing at this shit
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Found a free bandaid at the pool.