I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
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Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Festive toon…
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?