Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
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What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.