Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
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Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
✌🏽
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..