I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Meanwhile in Canada…
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.