During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.