Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
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Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’