Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!