11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
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[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
some things should go without saying
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Close call…
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.