Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
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The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
meanwhile over on facebook
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.