I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”