I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice