[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon