Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
You Might Also Like
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..